Doom! Doom, Death, and a little Destruction thrown in for fun..

I'm still sorta feeling sorry for myself. About the aging thing. I have a sense of humor about it. I can't take my own self-pity too seriously. It's just not done in my family. We don't do self-pity. But since I'm the "overly dramatic" one (read: drama queen) and the "emotional one" (read: still drama queen, but maybe with capitals; i.e., Drama Queen) it's almost expected of me to wallow a wee bit in my self-pity but only if I make it funny for others.

I'm so used to doing that. That self-deprecating humor. And most of it is genuine. I don't take myself all too seriously. It's not some facade thrown up so people won't see my chewy, gooey center. I am, and always will be, a clown. A jester. A fool.

Which is pretty ironic since I'm kinda afraid of clowns. Not like running away screaming afraid, more like you come near me and I'll hurt you kind of afraid. But it's the truth. I'm the spazz of the family. The one who makes it ok for everyone to laugh at me, themselves and life in general.

My mom says I'm the glue in this family. As dramatic and controversial as I am, as much of a black sheep as I am, I'm the one who falls into the role of mediator. Well, uh, not the traditional role of mediator. I wind up saying things like, "You! You're being stupid! Shut up! Oh, and don't think you're any better... You're just as bad, if not worse! You shut up, too!"

I never could quite fall into the roles that people wanted me to play. I interpret them differently. I frustrate, exasperate and irritate. I know all of this about me. I know the good and bad sides of me (i.e., Good= Loyal, Bad= Arrogant). But I don't want to change either. I like being a pain in the ass, at least I'm not boring. So, dammit, I will wallow how I want to wallow and that's that!

And none of the above makes sense, but so what?